let's get real: communication

"Let's Get Real" (LGR) is a series about meetings we have with our teenagers, focusing on essential life topics. We cover everything from career advice to budgeting to the value of honesty.

This week in LGR, our topic was communication, particularly how to enhance relationships through deeper connections.

Effective communication is fundamental to success in friendships and romantic and professional relationships. While it comes naturally to some, others find it more challenging. Fortunately, it can be taught, practiced, and improved!

Our focus with our teens was on learning and practicing the skill of deepening relationships.

We began by introducing Charles Duhigg's advice on becoming a Supercommunicator. Charles recently appeared on a podcast, sharing three tips for strengthening relationships:

1. Recognize the type of conversation you're having.

   1. Miscommunication occurs when we aren't aligned on the conversation type. Charles categorizes conversations as practical, emotional, or social. If you're seeking an emotional connection but receive advice instead, it can lead to feeling disconnected.

   2. To clarify, ask, "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" Alternatively, if you're initiating, specify your needs: "I just need someone to listen, okay?" Taking a moment to clarify can greatly improve the quality of your conversations.

2. Ask better questions.

   1. Charles mentions that Supercommunicators ask 10-20 times more questions than others. The most effective questions delve deeper, focusing on emotions rather than facts. Instead of "How was your day?" try asking, "What was something surprising that happened today?" Asking deeper questions fosters real, connecting conversations.

3. Prove your listening.

   1. Charles suggests using the Loop for Understanding technique, which involves mirroring back what someone has said, and then confirming your understanding. For example, "It sounds like you felt discouraged by your test score today, is that right?"

   2. A caution: Our teens quickly pointed out that this can sometimes seem condescending, so we agreed to use it carefully. The key is to show you're listening through eye contact, body language, and thoughtful responses.

After Charles Duhigg, we introduced our teens to Jefferson Fisher. He is an Instagram trial attorney who provides tips for dealing with conflict and difficult interactions. His reels are awesome for quick, doable phrases to use in different circumstances. We watched a couple of his reels, giving ideas for short, easy phrases to say to get to know others.

Something that surprised me throughout this conversation was how engaged my teens were! They asked so many questions about how to apply this in school, on dates, etc. They were even jotting down ideas in their phone notes and started a Shared Notes document filled with conversation-starter ideas.

This experience made me realize how much we all crave deep connections and how grateful we are when someone provides us with practical ways to achieve them.