before and after

I’ve gained 50 pounds in eating disorder recovery.

Recently, I saw a friend’s before-and-after post. She called it a “before and during." I’m not sure why she thought that was better, but either way, I look like “the before,” and I used to look like “the after.”

I know that’s supposed to be a bad thing.

But here I am, sitting in this space as “the before," and it's got me thinking: what does “before” even mean?

For me, “before” was a vicious eating disorder that left me paralyzed in the kitchen, staring into the fridge, unable to eat anything. My mind would race, searching for something I could allow myself to consume. After what felt like an eternity, I’d shut the fridge, still hungry.

“Before” was a much smaller body, but when I looked in the mirror, I only saw fat and ugly.

It was watching others eat and laugh while I felt isolated and alone.

“Before” meant hours of compulsive exercise, yet I still felt lazy and gross.

“Before” was the threat of being sent to a treatment center if I didn’t start eating—meant to motivate, but all it did was fill me with shame as I defeatedly whispered, “I can’t eat.”

Now, my “after” looks different. It’s about opening the fridge at meal times and choosing satisfying foods.

It’s engaging with friends and family over meals and sharing laughter.

My “after” includes movement that connects my mind, soul, and body. It embraces rest days, allowing me to recharge.

It means being home with my family, helping with math homework, listening to crush stories, and offering hugs after tough days.

My “after” is bigger, yes, but it’s also fuller in ways I never imagined possible.

My friend called her pictures "before and during." I guess now that I think about it, I like that. It's all a process. I am definitely still in my "during" phase, especially with eating disorder recovery. It's a long road, but I want to keep growing in all the important ways. I hope to embrace all the growth and be okay with looking like the "before" and living fully in my "after."