ptsd is

"PTSD Is" is a series exploring the realities of life with PTSD.

PTSD is the past and present colliding. You're moving along, and then BAM! The past crashes in, and you're no longer a 41-year-old mother of four, writer, and functioning adult. You're a scared, shaking, and sobbing little girl.

Recently, Anthony was asked by our church leader to take on a long-term assignment. They both felt it was right after praying about it. Me? I'm still healing from horrific religious abuse. God feels far away, and prayer triggers flashbacks.

But I trust Anthony. He's the best man I know, so I agreed to move forward.

That's when the past and present collided in a way I didn't expect. For days, I swung between uncontrollable sobbing and lashing out, followed by apologies. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and flinched at Anthony's touch.

Neither of us understood what was happening.

Thankfully, my therapist could help. She connected the dots between my past and present. Part of my abuse involved men using "God's will" to justify harm and force submission. Anthony and our church leader are good men, but their words echoed the abuse too closely. I felt unsafe and spiraled into darkness.

Once I realized this, I knew I needed to have a voice. I needed to show "Little Steph" that we were safe enough now to speak up. I proposed a one-month trial to think it through without feeling rushed. This way, I could honor Anthony's feelings while having my own voice.

Once I spoke up, the turmoil subsided, and I could breathe again.

PTSD isn't always a quick flashback. It's often big reactions to small things. When past and present collide, emotions get irrational, and reactions are automatic. It's confusing and embarrassing. But if we connect the dots, we can rewrite our present and find peace and power.